One thing I'm learning is how little I really trust God. Sure, I can point to the times he's rescued me from utter ruin, to the ways he's provided when I thought there was so way out, to the mountains of blessings I enjoy today. But, at the end of it all, I struggle to trust God.
What I'm learning is that deep down inside there are things I do not really believe. I do not really believe that I can find wholeness in God. I do not really believe he has plans for me. I do not really believe I can succeed in my goals.
In some ways, my lack of faith is a sick and twisted type of faith in itself. Despite evidence to the contrary, I continue to doubt God's goodness. And in doing so, I seem to, again and again, jump into things that are not good for me. Simply because I do not have faith that God has something better.
I know that the pain of my mistakes is God's grace. When I fail, I am not destroyed, but simply reminded, that life without him hurts a whole lot more.
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